I was told by an elder one day that you are a child for such a short period of time but it has the biggest impact on your life. It did not make sense until it made sense. One day as I was fighting back tears, let me stop, while I was wiping away tears, that statement just resonated so loudly. I looked around the apartment that I was sharing with a person that seemed to remind of every other person I dealt with since I began dating. He was mean, stubborn, rude, not motivated, combative, he was a reflection of what was familiar to me.
The relationship was familiar because that is what I grew up around. I was given a blueprint for relationships and it was unhealthy. I attracted people that fit the relationship model that I grown accustomed.
So, as one day of excitement turned into 10 years of screaming , yelling, feeling unwanted, under appreciated I was through. Well, not really, I was mentally through but physically still holding on. I felt guilty and I felt responsible for him as if he was my child not my mate. He was not my husband but a boyfriend that I made out to be more than just that. I wanted him to just LOVE ME, but I was not sure what that looked like but I knew internally it did not look like what we had.
I was friends with a female that was emotionally in-tuned and she introduced me to this book , The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz and that book really began to point me in the right direction. It was a simple read but the philosophy was so difficult to follow or apply. I guess when you are so use to one thing doing something as simple as , not taking things personal, will not change over night ( that was one of the book agreements).
After reading the Four agreements I was still desperate to fix me since I realized I could not fix him so I came across The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz , the tenth year into this dysfunctional relationship I was starting to come down from this Love cloud , which seem more like a spell , that was not placed on me by a good witch. ( I do not believe in spells or witches but anyhoo you get my point) .
This book confirmed what I was feeling and I was ready!
I was ready to get out and leave the relationship behind!
I wanted to be loved differently but I did not know what that looked like!
I just wanted to stop meeting the same type of person but I needed to become different!
I just DID NOT KNOW HOW!
I wanted to know how I stayed so long in a dysfunctional relationship and the realization was I was absolutely DYSFUNCTIONAL!